對美國人『持久婚姻七祕訣』之看法(1)
Comment on “The Seven Secrets of Lasting Marriage”
If
all you knew about marriage from gossip magazines, you’d know hardly anything
about long marriages.
But
for every Kim Kardashian & Kris Humphries, there is a Tom Hanks & Rita Wilson (married 24 years) or a Jerry Stiller & Anne
Meara (57 years).
如果你們對婚姻的認識全部來自八卦雜誌，那麼你們就幾乎不明白長久的婚姻。雖有類似Kim Kardashian與Kris Humohries短暫的婚姻，但也有像Tom Hanks
(阿湯哥) 與Rita Wilson
(24年的婚姻) ，或像Jerry Stiller
與Anne
Meara(維持57年的婚姻) 。
What’s
more, experts who study long-marrieds have discovered some universal
truths about these couples.
而且，研究維持長久婚姻的專家們已經發現，這幾對夫婦們有普遍一致的一些真實情形。
Even
better, couples who already have said, “I do”
aren’t the only ones who can benefit. “These findings are just as relevant for
non-married couples, “says Terri
Orbuch, a psychologist and researcher at the university of Michigan’s
Institute for Social Research who has been studying more than 370 couples since
1986.
甚至更好的是，那些已經說過 “我同意結婚”的那些夫婦們並非是能够獲益的唯一人們。 「這些發現對於沒有結婚的一對對男女們一樣是有關連的」第立，歐巴區說。他是美國密西根大學社會研究的心理學研究員，自1986年起他就研究超過370對夫婦。
Here,
experts identify the keys to happy, healthy marriages:
下列是專家們認為要達到快樂與康婚姻之入門之道：
1) Have Realistic Expectations: (要具備實際的期望)
“Frustration is the main reason why partners are unhappy, and it occurs when you don’t
have realistic expectations about your partner or about relationships,”
says Terri Orbuch.
他說：『挫折是夫妻不快樂的主要理由，當你對配偶或夫妻關係沒有實際的期望時，
它就來了』。
“Unrealistic expectations rarely get met and
then cause your anger, sadness, hurt and other negative emotions.”
他又說：『不實際的盼望很少達成，然後引起你憤怒、傷心、內心受創、和其他反面的情緒』。
“We have been sold this bill of goods that
marriage is designed to make us happy, and that can lead to a lot of
frustration for men and women,” says Iris Krasnow, professor of
communications at American University.
美國大學傳播學教授- Iris Krasnow說：「雖然人家銷售給我們這張貨物的賬單，賬單載明婚姻乃設計使我們幸福快樂；但婚姻亦可導致帶給夫婦們很多的挫折」。
*個人看法:
所謂『不切實際的期望』，應指夫妻對對方無法達成的期望。因期望無法達成，挫折即至。例如：別人先生，太太生日時送多少昂貴禮物，反觀自己(被比下去?) 或別人妻子除家務外，還兼差賺外快，自已太太呢? 。『人比人氣死人』? 這些對對方不當的期望，是導致離婚的重要原因之一。有人說： “Love is blind; keep eyes
open when married.” 『婚前戀愛是盲目的；婚後則眼睛保持雪亮』。但有些台灣人以為『馬馬虎虎(夫夫) ，一丈以外才是「丈夫」』-睜一眼閉一眼。眼睛太亮，風波不斷。
2) Sweat the Small Stuff: (做舉手之勞的事)
“If it drives you crazy that your husband puts
the dishes in the sink every night rather than in the dishwasher, don’t’ just
shrug off. Tell him that it bothers you,”
Orbuch says.
Orbuch說：『如果你先生每晚飯後，不把吃過的碗盤放進洗碗機，而堆置在清洗槽內，使你不高興，你不可僅僅聳肩表示無奈而已。你應告訴他你不爽』。
“If you don’t’ address the seemingly
meaningless little things that bother you about your spouse, what happens is
that those things build up over time and become bigger underlying issues that
are much more difficult to resolve. You start thinking, ‘He doesn’t respect me’
or ‘We don’t communicate’”
『這些看來似乎無關緊要的小事，而使你對丈夫感到不悅，如果你未能把它們向他說出，那麽以後這些事日積月累，並且變得更大的問題，而成為更難解決。這時你開始思考
「他不尊重我」或「我們沒有溝通」』。
*個人看法:
這是從小事看「夫妻間互相的體貼心」。妳做飯，我洗碗，大家分工，天經地義。在台灣或中國較少或不用洗碗機的地方，只有用水洗，工作量自比放進洗碗機重，但也較體貼。作飯與洗碗全由一人包辦，方令人厭煩，若能共同合作則倍感温馨。
3) Consider Yourself a Team：(把自己當成夫妻團隊的一員)
With
two-income homes the norm and 30% of wives earning more than their husbands,
the happiest couples have to let go of outdated gender roles and
responsibilities, says Jacqueline Del Rosario, a marriage counselor in Miami. “Couples really need to see themselves as equal
partners. If a husband sees himself as
more of a provider than a partner, then that can lead to a lot of marital
discord,” Teamwork
works: Ohio State University researchers tracked couples for 20
years and found those who make decisions jointly are more apt to report greater
happiness.
隨著双薪(收入)家庭的增加，有正常與百分之30的太太，收入比先生們多，所以最快樂的夫婦們，已經放棄過時的男性在家中較重要的角色，與負更多的責任，Jacqueline Del Rosario-美國邁亞密一位婚姻諮詢師說。『夫婦們應把自己想成為平等的伴侶。如果一位丈夫把自己當作是家庭的扶養人更甚於是位伴侶，就會導致許多婚姻的不和諧』。把婚姻當成一個團隊才有効。俄亥俄州立大學的研究人員，20年來對一些夫婦們作了追踪調查，發現凡是事事夫婦們共同決定者，易於說他們獲得更多的幸福。
*個人看法:
在双薪家庭中，男女平起平坐。若妻收入多於夫呢？男性可能會有『小事沒有意見，大事做不了主』的單方面決定的錯誤做法，與內心的無奈。如果女主人作主，謂之『懼內』或『氣(妻) 管炎(管嚴) 』；如果男主人作主，則謂之『大男人主義』，都是不正確。
4) Accentuate the Positive: (强調肯定、正面的事)
“Focus on what’s going right in your
relationship and build on those things, rather than dwelling on problems,”
Orbuch advises. “The happiest couples can identify what’s already going well and then
find ways to add more of these positive elements to their lives.” Maybe it is
a shared love of cooking, or tennis. Whatever you do together that makes you
happy and connected, make it a priority.
And do not overvalue money. A
survey of 1,700 couples found that when one or both spouses placed a priority
on money, that marriage was less apt to be stable and satisfying, say
researchers at Brightham Young University.
Orbuch 告訴我們，集中注意力於你們婚姻中進行得正確的事，並繼續做，而非停滯於困難的事。最快樂的夫婦們能認辨出，那些進行順利的事，並找些方法將這些正面肯定的要素增加到他們的生活中。也許是分享烹調或打網球的樂趣。不論你們倆做什麼事，只要能使你們快樂，使你們心心相連，就優先做。不要把金錢得太重：楊百翰大學(Utah)研究員說：對於1700對夫婦的調查中，發現夫妻中一人或兩人把金錢當作首要的事，他們的婚姻較不易穩定和令人滿意。
*個人看法:
何謂「肯定、正面的事」? 不易下定義，恐得由主觀或客觀点來看。男女一方或双方過份重視金錢，都會造成家庭的不和諧或不睦。把婚姻當成生活共同體，『夫唱婦隨』即含此意。
(待續)
Justin Lai, 05/01/2012
